Trial Run

It seems like every day for the past three months has been a trial run for what is coming down the ‘pike. Each day brings another new pandemic of fear, courage, ignorance, awareness, intimacy and isolation. As I make final preparations for the trial run in the new home, I have been filling my days with purchases and what ifs? The purchases protect me from the what ifs? and the what ifs? protect me from settling into the nervousness that arises in the void of not knowing what is coming down the ‘pike.

I’ve been venturing out more into the world, coming out of my cave of COVID-convenient-isolation and I realize that I have forgotten how to navigate, dodge and weave, and shield my self from, the noise of civilization. There are body memories that initiate reactions of anger and frustration at traffic, avoidance of “individuals”, judgments of the impolite, and shame about my social faux pas. And I also notice that I have more tools for self observation and awareness, more capacity for patience, a broader sense of perceiving beauty, and some new skills that guide me to seeing beyond the habitual somatic responses to some kind of unified field of love, that pulls and goads, and initiates, and powers… everything.

A trial run for what?

In November I will jump in an Element that I have converted to a house and will begin a journey of gratitude. The idea forced its way into my thought stream about a year ago, when Jeff (my husband) made the final decision to move to Costa Rica (That is a great story in itself and I hope he will share that journey on here someday). As I started my own process for making the move to CR, I kept having images that sparked longings to connect with and kneel down, in gratitude before all of the teachers that have pointed the way, or shoved me off of cliffs, or sat in silent patience with me as I wrassled with my traumas, my attitudes, my arrogance and my egos. Gurus, lovers, canyons and mountains. Teachers, students, relatives, plant beings, oceans, deserts, both living and dead. As I write this they flood my memories and beingness and I weep with joy at this lucky, precious life that gifted me with them all.

And so on Sunday, July 26, 2020. I will go on a trial run, to work out some of the kinks of living and traveling in a 4X4X8 space before embarking into Gratitude.

(I’m new in the “blogosphere”, so any hints or ideas that will prevent this from being an obnoxious invasion of your inboxes, and yet remain an open forum for inquiry and exploration, shout ‘em out. Thanks!!! William)

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